by Jessica Levine
In the beginning of a relationship, there is excitement and enchantment. That certainly was the case for Yvette Cade, who told her story on The Oprah Winfrey Show. When she first met Roger Hargrave, she said he was seemed very loving and caring. Shortly after they married, Hargrave became verbally abusive. It wasn’t long before his insults led to physical abuse. Yvette worked up the courage to separate from Hargrave but that didn’t end the abuse. “I felt like a prisoner in my own home,” she told Oprah during the episode that originally aired May 3, 2006. Yvette took out a protective order against Hargrave in July 2005, but a judge lifted the order at Hargrave’s insistence that the couple would go to marriage counseling.
Three weeks later, Hargrave showed up at Yvette’s work, doused her in gasoline and lit her on fire. She survived but suffered extensive burns that partially immobilized her.
Unfortunately, Yvette’s experience is not an isolated incident. Domestic violence is a widespread problem.
One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
“Domestic Violence is when one person in a relationship engages in systematic efforts to gain control of the other person in a relationship through the use of physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse or coercive control,” said Joan Prittie, executive director of Project Safe, a non-profit organization aimed at helping women and children in North and Central Georgia. It is about having power and control over another person. It most often occurs in a romantic relationship but it can also occur between a parent and a child, between siblings or other family members.
A common misconception is that domestic violence is about the physical abuse rather than the dynamics of power and control. It can be hard to understand that the abuser is not hitting his partner just to hit her as much as he’s doing it to control her, said Carol Anne Schmitt, assistant direct of Project Safe. “In some abusive relationships, violence only occurs once because one time is all it takes to control that person,” she said. “Sometimes just the threat of violence is good enough to keep someone compliant.”
“One in four women
will experience
domestic violence
in her lifetime”
Another misconception about domestic violence is that it happens to certain types of people. Low-income and un-educated individuals are often incorrectly stereotyped as the main victims.“Domestic violence touches all spectra of the population, every socioeconomic strata,” Prittie said. “It touches those who are religious, those who are not, those who are young and old, black, white, Hispanic.” “We might be more aware of it among poor folks who might be more involved in social services or in poverty stricken areas where walls are thinner and neighbors are more likely to hear things and call 911,” she said. “But it happens across the board.”
However, being a woman is one factor that does increase an individual’s risk of abuse. Women are the victims of domestic violence 85 percent as compared to men, according to the NCADV. Although the statistics are staggering, many cases often go unreported because domestic violence is still regarded as a somewhat taboo subject. “People often don’t realize that it’s going on in relationships around them,” Schmitt said. “Often times it is hard to recognize, because it occurs in intimate relationships that are close and private. Most people don’t talk open and freely about what’s going on in their bedrooms.” There has been a lot of shame around domestic violence for years, and it can be hard to talk about with family and friends. “Nobody gets into a relationship thinking this person will hurt them in any way,” Schmitt said. “You get into a relationship with a lot of hope, and it is sometimes hard to tell friends and family that the guy you told them was great in the beginning is hurting you now.”
Women tend to blame themselves in abusive relationships. “Initially, they blame themselves for what’s happening,” Prittie said. “Then even if they realize that it’s not their fault, they blame themselves because they didn’t see it coming and for getting in to that situation.” Marriage counseling is often suggested to help couples work through problems. That is not the case in abusive relationships. “In couples counseling, there has to be equality between the partners, a sense of fairness and openness so that each partner can express themselves,” Prittie said. “When an abuser breaks down the victim into submission, you simply can’t do that.”
An abuser is capable of change, but once the precedent of violence is set in the relationship it is hard to undue that damage. “With an abusive person, the problem is not changing the behavior, it’s finding the motivation for them to want to change,” Prittie said. Abusers want power and control and using abuse is a very efficient way to get it. The question is how do you make the abuser want to find the thing that makes them want to change.”
Although couples counseling is not usually an option, there are several important steps a victim can take when she realizes that she is in an abusive relationship. “First, know that you’re not alone, that it happens to a lot of folks,” Prittie said. “Then contact your local hotline to talk to somebody about options, resources and to do some safety planning. Third, understand that it can be difficult to extricate yourself from the abuser and that it may take some time and the process may move slowly. Don’t be ashamed. Take advantage of local resources such as family and friends.”
Although most relationships tend to look the same in the beginning, there are warning signs to look for to determine whether you are potentially in an abusive one. Being isolated from friends and family by your partner should be a concern. “We have been socialized to often think of it as being romantic if your partner wants to spend all of his time with you, but if that becomes a constant situation then it’s a problem,” Schmitt said. If the victim becomes the abuser’s central focus, that is a concern. Constant questioning of all of the victim’s behaviors is a sign. “Many times women will just think that he is asking a lot of questions because he is really interested in what she did, but it is because he wants to be in charge of what’s happening,” Schmitt said. “Be aware if things are getting really serious really quickly or if he is committing very quickly.”
Also, be cautious of jealous or possessive behaviors and verbal abuse or threats to harm you, your family or your pets. One of the most effective tools in reducing domestic violence cases is education. While domestic violence is an age-old problem, it has only recently been discussed in the mainstream. The more light that is shed on this topic will hopefully decrease the number of women who suffer like Yvette Cade and the countless other nameless victims of domestic violence.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE STATISTICS
- 85-95% of all domestic violence victims are female.
- Over 500,00 women are stalked by an intimate partner each year.
- 5.3 million women are abused each year.
- 1,232 women are killed each year by an intimate partner.
- Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women.
- Women are more likely to be attacked by someone they know rather than by a stranger.
Source: www.aidv-usa.com
For more information and to get help visit or contact the following resources:
• www.ncadv.org: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
• www.jenesse.org
• www.ndvh.org: National Domestic Violence hotline/website
